I had three projects turned down last week. Three! That is a bad week even for me. Truth is the last three months have been the worst in my career. I had found a wonderful person to work with and everything was on the up and up and then I had to let her go and make myself redundant with no pay or notice when a client sidelined a project I had put months of unpaid work into and helped shape and develop, a project we had started in 2011 before Eva was even born. Stupid I know.
Shit happens so why am I so irritated by this latest string of rejections. I think I may have finally come to the last straw: the last of a series of annoyances or disappointments that leads one to a final loss of patience, temper, trust or hope. Definitely hope, trust, yes that too.
Someone said to me yesterday, “By now you should be used to rejection in your business.” Do we ever get used to rejection or do we finally say fuck this and give up and try something new.
I like to think of my current career, (I can’t call it a job because its not a job at the moment) as a Bad Bad Boyfriend. That boyfriend who never calls you back or when he does treats you like crap and yet there is just something about him that keeps you coming back for more despite your ego which is telling you to run for the lifeboats. I dated a few bad boys a long long time ago, got wise to that and found an amazing husband and father to spend my life with. Why can’t I do that in my career? Perhaps it is time to listen to my ego.
The problem is my ego is confused, as soon as I decide I have had enough, people look at me like I am dumping Jude Law, but Jude Law is a bad bad boyfriend too he just looks pretty to everyone else. But then all of a sudden a silver lining, something good happened – an antidote, a great group of people gave me a great job. It is part time so not the answer to all my problems, but it is a start. It is enough to pull me back from the edge when I have already decided to jump. So I am going to make another film, this time it will probably be my last one, it’s kind of nice knowing that going in. I am sure I will get plenty of questions.
“Why are you giving up?” but the fact is I didn’t give up. I had a vision and at some point, and certainly at three points last week, the world more specifically Bermuda decided they didn’t share that vision and so it is time soon to get that divorce from that bad boyfriend I keep complaining to my friends about.
They don’t say anything really to me when I complain they just look at me with fake pity and a haughty “I told you so” look. Even though they say nothing, I can hear them thinking, “Why did SHE think SHE could be a filmmaker as a career.” Then they offer up a “Why don’t you meet with a recruiter,” as if I haven’t thought about that, or they think but don’t say, “You can always be a waitress.” I was a lousy waitress; I already tried it. It doesn’t solve my problem, which is that my ideas are too ambitious, unrealized and perhaps unrealistic in Bermuda. I could keep complaining to my friends about this problem but they would just look at me as if I was complaining about my weight while eating an entire pizza.
But you know what I am going to do, I am going to do something even worse, I am going to proclaim myself a writer. Forget movies. Forget spending all day cutting the tags out of my demanding toddler’s wardrobe.
My husband played a song for me, which I had never heard before the other night. I have played it every day since. It’s my new theme song a la Ally Mc Beal.
Pearl’s a Singer by Elkie Brooks. I have been singing along to it so much, I started to change the words. I now call it Lucinda’s a Writer.
Lucinda’s a writer
She stands up when she plays the keyboard
In the night time.
Lucinda’s a writer
She writes blogs for the lost and lonely
Her job is entertaining folks
rewriting songs and telling jokes
In the night time
Lucinda’s a writer
And they say that she once was a winner
in a contest
Lucinda’s a writer
And they say that she once made a movie
They played it for a week or so
On the local TV station
It never made it
She wanted to be Betty Davis
But now she sits there watching Shameless
Dreaming of the things she never got to do
All those dreams that never came true
Lucinda’s a writer
She stands up when she plays the keyboard
In the night time
Lucinda’s a writer
She writes blogs for the lost and the lonely
Her job is entertaining folks
Rewriting songs and telling jokes
In the night time
Lucinda’s a writer
She stands up when she plays the keyboard
In the night time
Lucinda’s a writer
She writes blogs for the lost and the lonely
Her job’s entertaining folks
Rewriting songs and telling jokes
In the night time…
This song was playing on YouTube in the background while I put my life up for sale on emoo and eBay. My husband pulled me away before I put him and Eva up for a Buy It Now deal and took me outside for some fresh air and a fresh perspective.
Truth be told, I can write movies based anywhere, if I embrace my new career as a writer I can finally eventually divorce myself from Bermuda which will otherwise suck the artistic life out of me if I let it… Bad Boyfriend!
So I am retiring soon but my blog will continue and I will soon say I hail from Nowhere, Oklahoma. Hey it’s artistic license. I am sure all my true fans will understand, that like Bette Davis in All About Eve I am “Maudlin and full of self pity” but I am also “Magnificent.” Even if its only me that thinks so.
Bette Davis scene from All About Eve: ( I tried to put it on youtube but they blocked me)
Bette Davis: “I am being rude now aren’t I, or should I say Ain’t I”
Addison DeWitt: “You are maudlin and full of self pity, You are magnificent.”
Husband: “How about calling it a night”
Bette Davis: “And you pose as a playwright. A situation pregnant with possibilities and all you can think of is everybody go to sleep.”
Husband: “It’s a good thought.”
Bette Davis: “It won’t PLAY.”
– Bette Davis at her best.
I was writing this the other day, after dressing Eva up as Tinkerbelle at her request. By the end of the day this is where her wings and wand ended up. I think Eva is feeling my vibe. She is now a retired fairy.
Xx Derelict Mom
Derelict Mom 
My Dear “L” namesake (I’m legally Ercinda)
I read you blog with great compassion as I can slightly possibly by your mother and had the ikes sucked out of my several careers – this too will pass and you will write wonderful movies, sitcoms, reality shows etc etc etc – you’re a great writer and if it means you have to take a de-tour, you may find that is exactly what you need to do presently – a fork’s in the road (thank God it’s not a dead end eh) you see the fork and following the other road. You is pretty, you is smart and you will find a new rewarding path.
A big hug to you and keep up the writing. Continue that book for Eva or start a new one.
Organize or Agonize
Thanks Cindy! You are the best 🙂
You’re right
They’re wrong
Keep Calm & Carry On….
Writing, filming, mothering… It’s all creative expression
Lucinda, you are a fabulous wit and such a fun read.
Thanks Robin 🙂
Dear Derelict Mom/Daughter, Writer sounds great! Cheer up as you pointed out it could have changed your career to waitress but you tried that unsuccessfully you say. I do not recall that but I do recall your stint as a bartender one Summer. In your freshman year at Uni you asked for financing to take a course in Bar Tending which at the time I thought quite odd because you were suppose to be studying curriculum courses at Uni particularly a private one that was very expensive. You took the course but I do not believe you completed it having lost interest, thank goodness. Back to your new designation, a WRITER. You have written many scripts and edited lots and lots of thesis so I think it is an excellent choice! Please don’t totally give up on your dream as dreams do come true perhaps “The Airman Who Would Not Die” will be a dream that becomes reality. Fairies believe in dreams and I am certain that your adorable little fairy, Eva, has only put her wings and wand away for another day. Derelict Mom should learn from her example. Tinker Belle and Peter Pan want you to continue to dream. Now I will revert back to learning bar tending. That was about the time that Derelict Mom was a rebellious Derelict Daughter. She came home for Thanksgiving with a stud in her tongue so glad was not somewhere else! She swallowed it when back in New Orleans and we suggested she recycle but that did not go over well! Derelict GiGi and Derelict Hamma(Rick) purposefully did not make a fuss about the tongue stud at Thanksgiving. In fact, we did not notice it as it was in her mouth. She had to show us so and our response was nonchalant. D GiGi was very pleased that it was not a permanent embellishment! ChHEER UP Derelict Mom you have lovely husband, fondly known as Kit and a darling angel Eva Dixie both of whom love you dearly as does your mom, dad , bro and sis plus aunts uncs, and many friends…. Smile and the world smiles cry and you cry alone. XX Derelict GiGi Sent from my iPad
>